National Gun Violence Awareness Day has taken place each June since 2015 and will be observed this year on June 5. As part of that wider conversation, last week, Melinda Wenner Bradley recently shared ways adults can approach conversations with children about guns, violence, fear, and safety. This week, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting continues to share, with the perspective of Lunden Abelson, a parent, holistic somatic trauma therapist, and healer.
Lunden Abelson is a therapist and parent whose family is part of the Moorestown Friends School community. Much of Lunden’s work focuses on people who have experienced trauma and violence. Through her private practice, Lunden works with people helping them heal and gain deeper clarity and connection with their values and beliefs. In addition to therapy Lunden offers a variety of workshops for adults, families and children. Her program, The Warren, specifically is designed to support children engage in proactive nonviolent communication.
Learn more about her work at: www.seedsofpotential.com
Lunden shared how some people come to therapy carrying more than the effects of trauma itself. “They cannot always articulate it, but in my experience, this feeling stems from the fact that they are living incongruently with their values and beliefs.” Lunden explained, “All of us, whether healing from trauma or not, can benefit from clarity about our values and whether we are living congruently with them.”
That same idea is shared in Lunden’s approach to parenting. “As parents, we are better off when we do the work of clarifying our values and grounding ourselves in them.” Lunden continued, “If we ask ourselves the hard questions, we can better prepare ourselves to talk with our children about difficult things.” She added, “When we examine our own values we may stumble upon our own incongruities, complexities, or even our exceptions to the rule.””
Although not raised Quaker, Lunden attends worship with a few meetings, such as Central Philadelphia, Westfield, and Moorestown. Lunden found a connection with Quaker beliefs through family and community. “I was attracted to Quakerism because it aligns with many of my values and beliefs: that of God is in each of us, a commitment to right action, nonviolence, and to the communities we are part of.”
Lunden encouraged adults to begin with themselves when speaking about gun violence. “I would suggest you pause, take a deep breath, and step back to name and ground yourself in your basic values.” She said those values may come from Quaker faith, family, or community. “It is also okay to examin inconsistencies between your values and beliefs and your language and actions.” Lunden added that these moments can help us ask, “Are we living from a place of congruent integrity?”
Lunden continued, “When we have done our own work, it also helps us listen more thoughtfully and carefully to others.” She added, “We are then able to hear their concerns, their questions, and their beliefs.”
When talking with children about violence, Lunden often returns to a simple statement. “The basic statement I come back to when talking with children is: ‘There are some people who use violence to solve problems.’” Lunden said this statement is “digestible for a child of any age” and creates a starting point for deeper conversations. She added, “It also happens that my value, and that of my family, is that we do not believe in using violence to solve problems; we believe violence is not the way to solve problems.””
Lunden also encouraged adults to seriously consider what they believe a gun is. “What do you believe a gun is?” she asked. “I am personally clear that a gun is a tool to threaten, cause harm, and/or kill. A gun is not a toy.” She continued, “Guns are tools to intimidate, threaten, harm, and/or kill. Guns are not toys. Guns are used by people and groups who use violence to solve problems.”
Those conversations can continue when children notice guns carried by police, military personnel, security guards, or hunters. “There are some people who use violence to solve problems, and guns are used to intimidate, threaten, harm, and/or kill.” Lunden said these statements leave room for families to share their own values and beliefs “about when, how, and why violence and guns may or may not feel necessary.”
Lunden also spoke about gun play, sports, and media. “If guns are not toys, then why do we play with them?” Lunden said there is no single answer and that families approach these situations differently. She added that it feels important to insure “a child does not associate guns with fun and games before understanding what they are in real life.” Lunden added, “The problem with this is that children then become desensitized to violence and associate guns with fun.”
When children express fear, Lunden encourages adults to listen first. “Create a safe space for your child to share and ask questions, and normalize their feelings.” She suggested responding with simple statements such as, “It makes sense that you would be scared of guns, they are serious.” Lunden continued “Do not dismiss their fears.” Instead listen, stay connected to values, and “assure them that you will do everything in your power to keep them safe.”
Lunden also spoke about the role communities can play in supporting families. “As each of us takes good care of our children, deconstructs the myth that violence and guns are the only way to solve problems, and speaks truthfully about the dangers of violence and guns, we create more opportunity to advance proactive communication and nonviolent conflict resolution.”
Friends interested in exploring therapy, healing work and programs with Lunden can learn more at www.seedsofpotential.com or contact her at Lunden@seedsofpotential.com
